Working in the erotica field through sex toy designing and creating adult content can mean that I can sometimes forget that many people are not so comfortable discussing sex, far less masturbation and personal pleasure. For some it can be an almost non-existent part of their lives.
I'm lucky because of my line of business, a lift to my libido is never far away and I never, ever feel shame for my desires, pleasure or arousal.
I've been asked a few times why some people, particularly women, find it difficult to even talk about masturbation, self-pleasure and orgasms.
I've put together some thoughts, but basically, I believe it's mainly down to a huge gap in our sex and pleasure education and that has led to shame and guilt.
People have been made to think they 'aren't allowed' or it's 'not polite' to masturbate or give themselves pleasure. I mean, it's free, it's fun and you don't need anyone else to achieve it! You really do need to give yourself permission to come - and once you do - it's like you've been wearing those Ruby Slippers all along!
And if you don't feel able to do it, here's yer auld pal Tabitha to tell you - you have permission to come!
So you've decided to not feel guilty or ashamed. You've decided today is the day... now what?
It's really important for you to discover the things that turn you on, and really get yourself in the mood before you even touch yourself.
For example, I love to watch porn and sexually explicit films - I use and recommend FrolicMe, because it's made by a woman, everyone is paid and treated respectfully and there are no ads or pop ups and links to other 'dodgy' sites. It has a lots of categories and you can sign up for free to read the erotica and listen to audioporn. Porn can be difficult to navigate on the internet, especially if you get anxious about the performers or worry where the next link might take you, so this really is a 'safe' place to consume your sexy films and feel secure and comfortable.
I am very visual that way and enjoy watching bodies having sex! It really turns me on.
Reading and writing about sex also gets me hot - why not think of sexy words that make you blush and write them down... it might ignite those first sparks of arousal.
Let's face it, for some of us, libido can be a fickle and fleeting creature that can take a lot to coax it in to action - and once we're there, that long repetitive, sustained action to get to orgasm can seem like a daunting prospect, especially if we're a bit shy! I love this poem from Holly Nish about that very thing - the long slow sustained rhythm that she captures so well in the poem Fingering to Ed Sheeran's Shape of You - 37 minutes in. Hollie is FANTASTIC for normalising female pleasure and joyful sex acts - in fact, just watch the whole video :)
The next thing that is super important - plan your own seduction! Have a nice bath, a glass of wine (if you do that) then take yourself somewhere you can relax. Read your sexy book or watch your erotic film - it's fun looking through the categories! And give yourself that all important PERMISSION to explore your thoughts and body. Even things that you might not feel aligns with 'who you are'.
For example - you might find you enjoy watching or reading same sex love scenes or threesomes - when you've always considered yourself heterosexual, or perhaps you're drawn to spanking scenes or anal sex. Just let yourself go with the flow and try not to judge anything that makes that tingly feeling happen.
When you feel the feels rising, just keep watching/reading/listening - touch yourself in other places that have always felt nice - like perhaps your inner elbow - or side of your neck.
DON'T dive right between your legs... not yet!
Keep your focus on arousing your mind and other erogenous zones... wait until you feel your body crying out for attention, then reach to yourself. It doesn't even have to be direct touch - masturbating through knickers or PJs can enhance friction which might appeal to you.
If you are feeling like you need more stimulation, a toy can be fab, and I'd be remiss not to send you to our shop here :D
My Biggest advice is to keep up the tease - really build the horniness in your mind - the more aroused your mind is, the easier it is for your body to let go and try to reach that beautiful guilt free peak. If you are at all nervous or feeling anxious, do not make orgasm the goal... make the self pleasure the goal - the arousal, everything but. You really do need to get to know yourself and what your body responds to - so don't be discouraged if this takes a long time.
We have a lot of baggage that comes with owning our pleasure so be very gentle with yourself!
Some sites to explore:
My own author site with free audio and stories
Girl on the Net runs a very sexy platform with incredible audioporn and guest posts
Sh Womenstore are AMAZING and offer so much support and pleasure information - they also have a sister site, Shush Life offering sex education and advice
OMG YES - is a site with women showing how they masturbate - it's very factual and VERY informative! So if you're feeling like you're ready to rock your sexy body into orgasmic next week, but your technique could do with a shake up - take a look there and see if anything resonates.
Again - permission to come!
On May 19th I'll be in EGG Edinburgh from 6-8pm talking all things SEX - it's a live in person event so why not come along for a glass of bubbly, sex chat and a chance to win some sex toys :D
Love and permission to come from,
Tabitha x x x
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